The Lost Diary of Love

The Lost Diary of Love

The sun started dropping down the horizon and darkness was engulfing us quickly. We had set up a tent and campfire on the leeward side of the blue mountains of Kodaikanal, protected by the natural outcroppings of the rocks. The moon was shy that day and hid behind the clouds. I took a flashlight, some provisions and started on a stroll. I wandered long to reach a dead end covered by creepers and leaves. As I was about to turn back, I heard a rustling sound from behind. I shone the torch in the direction of the sound, illuminating a giant rat. The rat suddenly disappeared into nowhere. I went closer and leaned on the wall to check and I fell in front. There was no end, it was a cave’s mouth cleverly hidden.

The cave seemed untouched for years as moss and vines were invading it. I tread cautiously through the floor covered by dried leaves. I stepped upon something within the leaves. Clearing up the leaves, I found a book underneath it. There were traces of candle wax nearby. I opened up the diary rummaging through its contents. The book was battered a bit but the pages were still readable.

The diary was a journal of personal events that happened in 2023 - two years in the past. The name on the first page was so blurred to read. The last entry was made in April. The pages were just blank after that. Piqued, I went back to the last entry.

April 22nd

I have been bearing this burden in my heart for so long that I couldn't anymore. I have decided to confide it to you and finally be free of the curse. 

September 24, 2019 - I remember it vividly even now. We had our very first conversation with each other that day. She was the one who initiated it. I would have never known then that she would change me, forever.

We became thick friends, sharing every detail of our life. We shared similar tastes in music, life, books but we had contrasting personalities - I was introverted while she was extroverted and very expressive.

We started going out at some point. She would always be late for all our meetings. I remember all those fights we had over her being late. Now looking back, all those fights feel pointless. Slowly enough I started developing feelings for her. The farther I was from her, the more I wanted to be close to her.

April 13th, 2022 - I met her after a long time. She looked so gorgeous in her plain yellow top and black pants. Her shoulder bore the burden of carrying her long silky hair. I wanted to tell her that she looked beautiful but I didn't. Something held me back. She had gotten into the train by then. I waited for her to wave back. I wanted her to get off the train and stay with me for a little longer. I even wanted to get on the train with her. I watched the train move, the painful minute of my life knowing that she was lost within the crowd and would not wave back. 

But when I stood there, hoping that she would come running back, I knew for the first time that I was in love with her, although I knew that she would never feel the same way for me. The train was then miles away. So was she.

My last candle is about to go out as I am writing, I would probably have to wait till dawn to continue.

The sun has risen and light is shining through the cave opening. I could finish writing this so that I could sleep peacefully, for one last time.

Things started going awry in our relationship when I started having expectations. I started fights over silly stuff that I expected from her. People drift away before you know it. Any relationship would fall apart when one has no time for another. I stood among the shadows watching her grow while my heart desperately yearned for the good old days with her.

I have learnt a few things about love. You can't make someone fall in love. We tend to give all our love to someone who doesn't even want it and expect them to return it. Love is indeed a curse if you are the only one trapped in it.

I never told her how I felt about her. My feelings for her only felt trivial. She was so perfect in her own imperfect ways. I am left wondering if someone will feel the same way for me someday.

Some people are just not meant to be. I have given up on her. Honestly, I don't know if that's the right thing to do. Bringing myself to do this has been so painful but everything feels so light right now. Maybe it was worth all the pain - it feels like salvation. I finally can put my pen down and rest peacefully.

That was the end of the last entry. I closed the diary. A sudden rush of emotions hit me. I felt pain, sorrow, grief, remorse all at the same time- it seemed like the diary channelled all the author’s emotions into me. I cried out in agony dropping the diary and fell to the ground. The diary started dematerializing right in front of me. In minutes, it was reduced to dust.

I heard voices then, the people from my camp had come looking for me. I could not move. The emotions were too much for me to handle. It felt like I was run over by an aeroplane. The voices were closer now. I could hear them asking me if I am alright. But I couldn't reply. I had blacked out.

"Some love stories have missing endings just like this one! 🙂"